Every morning, I wake up at 5:30 AM and prepare myself for my daily run. I spend about an hour having my coffee, checking and responding to emails and getting dressed. By seven, I am usually taking in a few deep breaths and preparing for the first stiff strides of my five-mile run.
As my feet start to pound the ground, I start to feel alive, like anything is possible, as if I could conquer the world. Then it hits me, and it knocks the absolute wind out of me.
I allow myself to feel the emotions of the loss of my brother, Gene, who passed away 6 months ago. I’m still struggling with the reality of it all. I still struggle with the knowledge that I will not get to give him a nice big bear hug any more. I will not get to grow old with him, and I won’t ever hear him tell me to, “Get your ass up, sis, the world isn’t going to wait for you to go conquer it.” Every time I think about what this loss means I need a moment to collect myself. The good thing about running is that the tears tend to dry up faster.
Once I collect myself, I start to talk to him and allow myself to feel his presence. I realize that the picture I must paint as I jog along looking as if I’m speaking to myself, exaggerated Cuban arm gestures and all, must be quite interesting. But I really don’t care. All I want is to spend these precious moments with him reviewing the previous day, reminding him how much I truly love and miss him and asking him for guidance.
I can’t say that I do not wish every moment of every day that my time spent with him were a phone call instead. I imagine myself barely being able to run, since I know he’d be cracking jokes the entire time. In fact, I have one last voicemail that I had saved with him on it that currently kills me to listen to it. But one day, I’ll be able to listen to it and crack up again for its sheer ridiculousness.
He taught me to be quick-witted and to have thick skin. He taught me how to be a geek and to expect success. He taught me to be authentic and proud of where we came from so I could see how far I’d come. Most of the things he taught me were from watching him. When we were kids I was his shadow. It was total and unabashed hero worship, and it never really went away.
He left me a few gifts in this life, a lovely sister-in-law and two amazingly wonderful little nieces. I hope to spend the rest of my years regaling them with stories of their dad as a boy and young adult. At the very least they will be able to see him through his little sister’s adoring eyes.
My only regret is that we didn’t spend more time together these past few years. We were both terrible at phone calls and catching up. When we did, it was always wonderful. I was always so full of pride when I listened to him talk about his work, the wife and kids and life in general. We’d make fun of each others politics and basically anything else we could rib each other about.
Sometimes I spend the entire five miler talking to him and sometimes it’s a 30-minute conversation. Sometimes, I can’t even form real words through the sobs. But every morning, if I have breath in my lungs, I get up and I run with my angel.
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23 Responses
I just finished reading your Blog “Running With Angels”. Honestly, my first thought was “I’m impressed” that you get up so early to run. That you spend so many hours focusing on this excercise that takes care of your body and also brings you joy.
As I read further, my second thoughts were of my own family members; the thought of losing one of them; the brevity of life; the choices we make on a daily basis on what we do during the brief lives, how we spend this precious commodity of time.
I cried for you and your great loss, I cry for the loss I have felt. I thank you for sharing your heart. What we share makes a difference.
Keep sharing.
Thanks for sharing your story. I lost my daughter three year’s ago and can totally relate to your story. I don’t know, what it is with running, but it helps me as well. I normally spend 30 minute’s crying and she always whispers the last five minutes is that I’m in a safe place now. 🙂
Tamika, I can’t begin to understand your loss as a mother. May you be comforted by sweet memories.
Your writing brings tears and sadness to my eyes. In the latter part of my life I have gone through the loss my mother, my father and my husband. Your sharing in this post reminds me of how precious life is and how deep love can be. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing that Laureen.
Awe, I am so sorry about you losing your brother. That breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing your story though. I will hug my brothers extra tight tonight.
Thank you Tami, I hope you do hug them and enjoy them immensely.
We always wish we could spend more time with loved ones. I’m sure your brother is watching over you as you run. It’s nice that you’re remembering him through your morning jogs.
Running is the best way to get out your emotions. The pounding of the pavement just helps to let it all go!
I couldn’t agree more. I notice that when I do miss a run, I’m very off. I really try not to miss any.
I don’t run, but that is awesome that you found something that works so well for you. 5:30 am is early lol 🙂
What a great way to run. It seems like a great way to work through your grieving.
Oh I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine losing a sibling. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Running can definitely be very therapeutic, can’t it? I think this is a lovely post about finding a balance between grieving/sadness and continuing on. Thanks for your honesty.
It’s nice that you have an outlet for your grief that let’s you process your feelings. Let it all out. Keep on running with Gene.
powerful read and can relate to every step my mum was my best friend <3
I can’t even begin to imagine how that feels, my sister and I are so close. I am so sorry for you my lovely!
Wow, I can’t imagine running 5 miles a day so I give you a lot of credit. I do try to walk 3-5 times a week, but then life gets in the way.
This made me tear up a bit. And also shout, “She wakes up at 530 AM to run?”
I am sorry for your loss but I love how you keep your positive spirit. Indeed it is sad for a loved one to leave us but knowing that they are one of the angels above is a relief. Talking to him while running is a way to ease the pain and sadness and probably way to move on.
I’m so very sorry for your loss although I know the words are so inadequate. But it’s beautiful that you share in conversation with your brother (your angel).
Thank you very much Jennifer